Sam and I are on the road again, this time with a camper, truck and trailer, three horses, two dogs, four saddles and the rest of our stuff. We're leaving Wyoming and roaming the West like we do.
It sounds romantic, and it is. Waking up to the sunrise in Wheatland, Wyoming and Trinidad Colorado, but know this: Uncertainty always rides shotgun. There's an offer on the table in New Mexico and we're headed there to check it out. This makes my little western cowgirl heart sing.
One of the temptations of personal development is the regular search for a magic pill "to change your life," but it doesn't really work like that. If my second mountain is teaching me anything, it's more the small decisions and regular commitment to practice that moves the needle.
Maybe your life does need changing, but the truth is, you don't. You are a temporary physical being shoehorned between infinity and infinity, so perhaps your job here is to enjoy the ride more, to quit wondering what's wrong with you all the time, and trying to fix it.
Maybe it's time to ask a better question like: "What do I love and how do I do more of that?" How can I take the gifts I've been given and present them well-used back to the giver?"
Here's one suggestion you probably won't like.
I haven't looked at my social media feeds for more than ten minutes in the last two weeks, and it's not because I'm busy.
When I go to open them out of habit, I stop now because I know in 30 seconds the arguments will begin in my head, ones that I will literally never have in person. I begin building cases to convince imaginary people, whom I'm no longer interested in convincing, that I'm right. Lately someone - I know who - has been asking me:
Do you really want to drink that poison this morning?
No. I don't and I put it down.
I've known for ages that social media is my "acceptable addiction," one that I've long needed to quit for what it costs me, but it's such a regular "harmless" part of my day, it's easy to think I'm being dramatic about it.
But by going without it, sometimes for days at a time, I see how not harmless it is. Social media invites all my shadows and protective parts to overtake me. It allows the worst of my impulses to run unchecked, amplifying everything, but mostly noise and disregulation. While parts of me surely enjoy some clever shadenfreude, I know the master's house won't be destroyed using the master's tools.
It really just destroys me, which for some bad actors is entirely the point.
By choosing not to drink the poison, I build space for God. I want to dwell in that space because I see that as the most meaningful contribution I can make to the world right now. A few times I've even glimpsed Jesus' other-wordly approach, where I knew in my bones, how he would do the exactly the opposite of what I want to do. Stunning really.
He would quiet an agitated crowd. He would listen humbly. He would love, not condemn. He would protect the vulnerable. He would lead with compassion in a spacious but corrective way. The correction however, is rarely of others like I want, it's of me and my thinking.
Social media - most media in fact - does the opposite. It's always about them, the enemy, and the ways they are evil and wrong. It's taken me about 53 years to realize this approach perpetuates more than solves.
Love Locally - Five Practices.
Don't kid yourself, I'm a pro at doing it like the world does, you probably are too. It's clear to me now though, that few of us can affect change on a global scale. We can however, do it on a local one. This is the small decision/regular practice habit I'm talking about.
We can choose love, humility, compassion, forgiveness and patience as a practice. It's rough, I tell you, but much more akin to what Jesus modeled in the first place. The disciples got it wrong constantly, which frankly makes me feel better about my own janky attempts.
Here are five practices which I find particularly challenging. Perhaps pick one and commit to it.
- Patience. Let people cut in traffic without rage. Pause in the Walmart parking lot. Let someone cross. Maybe even smile and wave as they do. Stop gritting your teeth at how slow they are.
- Service. Get out of your house with the clear intent to be put into play by God. Go slowly, be interruptable, chat, serve a need you see.
- Self Compassion. Consider the most annoying person in your life. Why do they trigger you so much? Is it really about them? Can you investigate the feeling and its origin?
- Hospitality. Have your neighbors over for dinner - especially if they're different from you. Talk to them. Listen to them. Set groundrules if needed.
- Community. Refuse to believe that social media = reality because it doesn't. Your reality is among your family, your colleagues, your friends and neighbors. Go be with them. Listen more than you talk, be a learner.
Obviously, I still use social media - I'm going to use it to boost this post. The difference is, I use it, rather than letting it use me - or at least I'm trying. The choice is making space for me to lead with more calm and compassion, than I would do otherwise. This feels like wise elder behavior, which is becoming more important to me by the day.
Screen Zen is my favorite app for titrating your social media dose rather than going cold turkey.
Have a great week.
ps. If you're ansty for some guidance in staying steady in a careening world, making your way through midlife, figuring out what you're doing with your life etc. stay tuned. I'm opening Midlife Reinvention Lab in a few weeks. We'll have a few free trainings and Q&A's in advance of its opening. You can hop on the waiting list to hear about it all in advance.
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