I was at a party over the weekend, talking with a young man who is maybe 24. He's been working a job in sales and is good at it, but it holds no meaning for him and he's antsy about it.
It made me think of a recent Pew study that found 95 percent of teens said “having a job or career they enjoy” would be “extremely or very important," while less than half of them (47%) said getting married was.
Certainly the idea of living your passion and purpose at work has seen a big surge in the last 30 years, indoctrinating young folks especially to believe their careers must provide both income and meaning. There's even a name for it, workism and unsurprisingly, there's pushback.
As Elizabeth Gilbert and others have said: Isn't being alive enough of a purpose? Isn't raising good kids, being part of a community, listening to music enough? Why must we always be passionately striving?
Is it our system's sneaky way of extracting more work out of us?
Yes and No.
I came to work with women in midlife after finding my way through those same dark woods. I realized two major things were wrong with the midlife/purpose narrative.
- Feeling lost and off purpose at midlife after divorce, layoff, empty nest, sobriety is a real pain point for a lot of people - not just the hyperachievers. There's something innate driving us to use our lives fully, and at midlife we're more aware of the ticking clock.
- Capitalism - as it does - capitalizes on that pain, and makes people feel crazy when the commercial and pharmaceutical remedies it offers for midlife malaise don't work.
- There is a great work to be done at midlife, and there are no shortcuts.
What's true about second half purpose?
- The purpose of your life's second half is not found, it's built.
- Your purpose is not external to you. It's likely hidden in things you love.
- It might not be just one thing, but a composite of things.
- It demands community.
- It must serve others regularly - probably at a cost to you.
Honestly, I think that's tough news for a 24-year-old who wants big purpose at work, and to buy a house. I get the rub.
For women in midlife though, the friction is different. We've already established our identities, families and careers, and midlife is taking it all apart. So in some ways, it is the same issue my friend has.
How do I make my life matter now?
Here's the advice I would have given Alec if he'd asked, which he didn't probably because I was two margaritas in, and giving drunk granny.
Don't be afraid to separate your work and your purpose. Sometimes your job's job is just to give you gas money to drive you to your purpose. They can be the same thing, but they don't have to be for you to be happy.
Your purpose may be hidden in the things you love but ignore because they don't make you money. What is that thing? Are there other weirdos doing it too? (Check Reddit)
When you find your collective, does somebody in it have an idea for how the thing you all love could make the world better? That's the start of something purposeful. It's a beacon in the night.
So maybe give your weird interests some air, some respect. Quit expecting your sewing hobby to pay your mortgage. When we separate those things it takes pressure off both. Plus clocking out of work at 6 and into joy at 7 is a great way to stop the two-hour doomscrolls that make you feel guilty and wasteful.
But there's a deeper level here.
Why does this intense drive for purpose exist in us at all? For me, the answer is found in flourishing.
Have you been in an orchard lately? Isn't it incredible how many apricots are on those trees, and how every single apricot has the ability to create a whole other tree with thousands more apricots? Nature reliably shows us what the plan was always supposed to be. Delight. Provision. Abundance. Replication. Love.
Fruit is excess life. It is evidence of flourishing.
When you are deeply rooted, well-watered, fertilized and cared for, you bear fruit too. I believe God created us to be rooted in Him, dependent on Him as our divine source of water and fertilizer, so others could share in that excess life - and realize a seed is within them too.
To quote Pastor Rich Villodas:
We are made in God's image to be people who reflect God as we make something of the world.
That's the drive.
We want to do things, make things, bear fruit, in order to reflect our creator in whose image we are created - the one who makes apricots ridiculously abundant.
So a question I love to ask my clients is: What does flourishing look like to you now that the kids are grown, the marriage/career is different, the booze is gone?
How big is the gap between here and there?
Once you know those two things, you've got a path to put your feet on each day. You can feel your own potential and excitement stirring.
It's a good sign you're getting on purpose.
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