I'm going to Chicago next week for a conference. I'm flying there, seeing friends, taking Ubers to the best Cannoli and Italian food, shopping downtown and probably drinking a little too much.
And that's funny because this morning on a Zoom call, a giant bull moose grazed in the willows behind me. If I leave my cabin in the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming, I'm usually on foot or horseback. I haven't been in a car in a week, or heard a siren in months.
And I love both versions of myself.
I used to think I had to choose just one and go with it. You know, be more consistent or something. No I don't, and neither do you.
Permission Slips
By midlife, women are usually expert at sniffing the wind, anticipating everyone's needs. That makes sense in the first half of life when there are children to raise and careers to compete for.
But at midlife, that behavior becomes intolerable.
There's a yearning to do and be more, and stop wasting time, but it's frustrating not to know what that thing is, or how to go about it.
Having the courage to discern and admit what you really want for the second half of life, is by far the most atrophied muscle I see in my clients. If they do figure it out, and it happens to be weird, they usually freeze up over what people will think.
To build a happy second half,
you must stop crafting your life based on what everybody thinks.
You must choose what's true now and have the courage to say it out loud. Don't be a jerk, but do keep evolving. Keep trusting yourself and the God who made you.
Even if the people closest to you judge you, reject you, or leave you as a result - choose yourself and the woman you're becoming.
I promise you. It's better.
This may be the hardest pill of midlife.
That people you love, may reject who you want to be. But what are your options? Tuck it in and fake it until you drown in resentment?
Who's job is it to design your life anyway? If you've outsourced the responsibility, wouldn't now be a great time to take it back?
Also - and consider this carefully - what if, after the initifal bumps and shocks, you are happier? What if your happiness spills onto those who doubted you? What if what you did inspires them to do the same?
Research Shows
That living with purpose and authenticity has measurable benefits in midlife and beyond. Purpose supports physical health, cognitive functioning, and longevity; while authenticity enhances emotional well-being, especially when combined with mindfulness. It's being described in the literature as "self-transcendence."
Isn't that gorgeous? Yes, please.
This is the farthest thing from selfishness. It's not that we don't care about people, rather, we care about them and ourselves so much we're finally being honest about what's changed. Midlife is the seismic shift that none of us asked for, but in resisting it because we're afraid, we forfeit the opportunity to become something else.
So rather than sinking to anybody's level to keep the peace, why not rise to your best level and invite others to join you there. Brene Brown would say that's the difference between belonging and fitting in.
BTW - I made the image above downloadable, in case you want to print and stick it on your bathroom mirror. Maybe remind yourself it's ok to become who you're becoming - even if you wear cowgirl boots on some days and kitten heels on others.
ps. I'll be working with a few women this fall in something I call Midlife Reinvention Lab. It's where we focus on the messy but necessary deconstruction that is midlife, and build something beautiful in its wake. It's a guide to "self-transcendence." You can hop on the waitlist here, and I'll let you know when it opens.
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