I haven't always been a good friend. Over the past several months, evidence for that claim has bubbled up and flashed before me like a haunt from the ghost of friendship past.
Fifth grade, in particular, stands out as the time when friendship became an exercise in kill or be killed. The boys got cute and the girls got mean, so I learned to fawn, hoping the cool-girls would still include me. I was so afraid to be excluded, I got better at managing friends, than being a friend.
Also, growing up, I didn't have kids in my neighborhood, so I learned to be content playing alone or just with my sister. I thought that's how everyone did it.
So years later when kindly people approached me, I'd be surprised, even a little suspicious, like they wanted something from me.
They did. Friendship.
There's a crisis now.
In my 40's, after a few multi-state moves and job changes, I became ravenous for better, deeper community, a place to belong, and friends.
So I focused on it, getting intentional with neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances. I reached out for coffee and walks, I joined a new church, and soon noticed my efforts were paying off. My phone was binging and neighbors were hollering out their kitchen windows to me.
Evidently, this is not the experience most of us are having though.
The loneliness epidemic in the US is now so severe and detrimental to our mental and physical health, the Surgeon General has established an advisory. A recent AARP survey found 40% of adults 45 and older feel lonely. This is up five points from just a few years ago.
Making Friends is a Skill.
We all know the reasons behind our growing isolation: internet, phones, social media, overwork, streaming, Door Dash, but most, if not all, of those are choices. Talking to a friend in New York about this over Christmas, she said, "I don't think people know how to make and maintain friendships anymore."
I think she's right.
Clients have said they don't trust women after years of dealing with, and I quote, "catty bitches."
So maybe it's time to do the work: to build some new beliefs and habits in the area of friendship, so we can be happier, healthier and more connected.
What People Love.
We've hosted women's retreats for eight years, and the thing people say they love most is the "slumber-party vibe," where we're all still drinking coffee in our pajamas in the living room at 10am.
It's not just the coffee or the relaxation — though it is that. It's more the simple act of belonging with new and old friends; talking through things that matter. The pro move is duplicating it at home, and that's what interests me.
Can we re-learn how to make friends and maintain them — especially local ones? Can we practice reaching out in a world where people consider canceling plans self-care?
I think this can be practiced and we're going to do it, this spring in Northern New Mexico. I'm unoffically naming it Friend Camp.
Interested in joining us? We're aiming for the 20th- 23rd of March, so pencil it in. If you haven't already, you can add your name to the interest list and stay tuned as things evolve.
That's a wrap for 2025.
Have you thought a little about 2026? What you'd like to be, do, see and have? Who and how you'd like to serve? How you'd like to make your patch of earth a little more like heaven?
If not, here's your invitation to do so. Take a few minutes right now and dream it up. Let us know if we can help.
Happy New Year!
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