At the beinning of my midlife deconstruction, I began reading Matthew Kelly, specifically his book The Rhythm of Life. I didn't even know what a midlife deconstruction was then, I was just trying to answer the question: WTF has gone wrong with me?
Sure, Sam and I made some huge moves in 2018, like off a ranch in Texas and onto a boat in Florida, with three confused cattle dogs in tow. But that didn't really explain the crushing anxiety and rage that suddenly consumed my sunny personality.
Our boat neighbor, who was sailing his gorgeous J36 across the Gulf of Mexico, mentioned Kelly's book and said it changed his life. I was skeptical but desperate, so I picked it up.
One thing Kelly said really did help, and I teach it to this day: Each of us is made up of four rooms and it's wise to enter each room, each day.
- The physical room: health, energy, vitality.
- The emotional room: relationships, love, connection.
- The intellectual room: learning, curiosity, growth.
- The spiritual room: prayer, faith, meaning, connection to God.
So why don't we use my messy midlife house as an example.
The Physical Room - Estrogen decline.
My body changed so much at age 48, it should have been my absolute highest priority. But since nobody was talking about estrogen deprivation in 2018 - at least not in my world - I underestimated how much my anxiety, irrational rage and sleeplessness was due to perimenopause.
Did you know, the use of antidepressants doubles for women between the ages of 45 and 64? Women are clearly trying to FIX IT without a complete understanding of what IT is. It turns out, the depression, anxiety, mood swings and rage are not just in our heads, according to Dr. Mary Clare Haver, a 30-year OB-GYN who specializes in care of menopausal women.
Had I known that in 2018, I would have asked my providers totally different questions. When we know better, we do better. So if what I'm saying rings a bell, ask your doctor. Be persistent about it! You're not crazy - these are symptoms, take them seriously.
The Physical Room - IT Bands.
Do your knees hurt? Of course they do. Did they begin hurting unexpectedly for unknown reasons? My right one especially began bothering me about six months ago. I tried a few things but mostly ignored it until I started getting up from the couch like an 80-year-old woman.
I considered going to see my PT friends here in Wyoming, (we met last summer after an unfortunate crash off my horse) but I knew what they would say.
Are you foam rolling your IT bands?
No.
Why not?
It hurts.
The IT band is a tough layer of connective tissue that runs down the outside of your thigh, connecting your hip to the outside of your knee. When it's tight, it can pull all sorts of things out of whack.
It's possible the other muscles around my knee, like my quads and hamstrings, are tight too - so I've committed to a little 3-5 minute foam rolling session of my whole thigh every morning.
Guess what? My knee feels better! While it still hurts to roll my tight thighs on hard foam, it's that good pain you kind of crave. Here's a video that will help you embrace the awkwardness to try to help your knees.
The Intellectual Room - What do you think?
It's amazing how much we trust the nonsense in our heads. Just because you think it doesn't mean it's true. Has anyone ever told you that?
Social scientists estimate humans have 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day and 80% of them skew negative. There's an evolutionary reason for that, so don't feel bad, but one of the smartest things you can do is to challenge your thinking. Think about what you're thinking about, rather than letting your brain run wild with bonkers made up stuff all day.
Here are three questions to help you do that.
- How true is this thought? Either things are true or not true. If the answer is: "It feels true," yes of course it does, but is it actually true?
- What else might be true? Introduce other narratives that challenge the thought. Which one is true? Sometimes you don't have enough information to know for sure. In that case, I don't know is a fine answer.
- Is there a thought that may be more helpful? Pick a different thought that may also be true. One that's kinder to yourself and others. Why not? We're making this whole thing up anyway, you might as well make up something you like.
The Emotional Room - Swim for joy.
Do you remember going to the lake as a kid? How you'd run to the water stripping off your towel and squealing with delight as you jumped in.
When's the last time you did that? Or are you sitting on the shore because you don't have a towel, you don't want to get your hair wet, your thighs rub in a swimsuit, it's a bit of a hassle, a bit too cold?
But isn't joy worth it?
I jumped in the lake yesterday after weeks of saying I would and not doing it. As I floated on my back in the jade green water, with gold light shimmering through the grass on the shore I thought, "I could do this every day, why don't I?"
It's partially because adulthood teaches us to weigh the ROI, but in the time it takes to do that, inertia wins and we sit on the shore instead. It's just easier not to jump in, more comfortable.
And that's how our comfort zone kills us.
I talked about this yesterday on tiktok. How I don't want to ignore my childlike parts who want to play in the water. FOMO is their signal. Now more than ever, I think we have to make a point of seeking joy, to keep our energy high and radiate it to others who need it.
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| @girlcatchfire on Tiktok |
The Spiritual Room - Identity.
I've been a fan of Brennan Manning forever. A former priest and writer who spent years with a raging alcohol problem, Manning writes about grace and the love of God better than anybody I know. His book Abba's Child has shaken me thoroughly awake this summer.
All I want to do is remember my identity as a beloved child of God. To dwell in that. To live from it, but I so easily forget in the hustle of my life.
What better identity is there than beloved? If I know that despite all my failings I am at my core deeply beloved, no matter what, how different will I behave in a world dying of lovelessness?
Manning agrees. Read this excerpt from Abba's Child and see if you can take it on.
"Define yourself as one radically beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that and let it become the most important thing in your life."
That's the view from here this week.
Thanks for reading. Drop a comment to LMK what you find upon entering your four rooms.
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