About a year ago, I heard Dr. Brene Brown say something super deep on Father Richard Rohr's podcast.
They were talking about how scary and painful midlife can be. Dr. Brown was speaking about her own experience when she said, "it's like walking the plank off the perfectly good ship I built, and falling into a dark sea below."
Father Richard replied, "maybe you're not falling into the sea as much as you are becoming the sea."
And that is why I listen to Father Richard Rohr.
Eleven things you should know about midlife.
If you're on the backside of your midlife deconstruction, like I am, you know exactly what these two are talking about. If you have no idea what they're talking about, but you're in your 40's and your life has seemingly, abruptly jumped the tracks, I made a list to help you.
- Midlife is not a crisis. It's a normal stage of human development, that our culture talks about in a stupid way. It's a phase like adolescence — a time to pause and consider who you are now, apart from your history and the roles you've played. The second half of your life, what we call the second mountain, is supposed to look different than your first. Who you might become next? It's where you drop the old tools that don't work anymore and pick up new ones that do.
- Botox is not the remedy, surrender is. By waiting in stillness, and trust, like a catepillar in a cocoon, we allow whatever's next to evolve. But that path is goopy and dark, so we resist it, and look for fun alternatives. We even try to climb backward up our first mountain, rather than reckon with the uncertainty of the second. That almost never works.
- Faith is essential. It's hard to trust your evolution to a creative mind you've never met. Who is God anyway? Is His intent good? If I'm no longer who I have been, who do I become next? Waiting until midlife rocks your world to engage these questions, is like waiting until your house is fully engulfed in flames before dialing 911.
- Stop playing with your sleep. At midlife, good sleep is something you have to practice, because like everything else, it doesn't work like it did when you were 20. Sorry. Your phone is the chief enemy of your sleep. Seriously, set limits. Build better sleep habits, because good sleep at midlife combats accelerated cognitive decline and helps with your hormones, among many other things.
- Stillness is vital and nobody wants to do it. Along with good sleep, meditation and prayer help ease the mental drama midlife brings. And I already know what you're going to say, "I can't meditate because my mind is too busy." That's like saying, "I can't eat dinner because I'm too hungry." There are approximately five billion meditation and prayer apps. Pick one and sit. It helps so much.
- Creative urges are hints. It's common at midlife that creative pursuits, which were backburnered by child-rearing etc, begin to nudge your arm. Indulge them at all costs. When you've spent 20+ years managing the needs of others, often at the expense of your own, those nudges are like crocuses peeking through the snow. They hint at who you might become on your second mountain. Painting, piano, trail running, community literacy...give those little flowers some time and attention. It will nourish you, and serve as a refuge when things are hard.
- Be curious about things that make no sense. Especially when they don't make money. The scriptures say, you are God's handiwork, created in Christ, to do good works which God planned in advance. Handiwork can be translated "poema" in Greek. You darling, are God's little poem. What would you like to write now?
- Your relationships will change. Let them. Some will fall off and that will be painful, but faking it is more painful. Some, like marriages, might require contract renegotation. That's scary, but living with resentment is worse. New relationships require effort and intention — from aimless hangs to joint Costco runs. Our culture has gotten lazy when it comes to friendship, so you will have to swim against that tide. Start having people over for dinner.
- Talk to your doctor. The mea culpa tour for bad hormone science is in full swing right now. Twenty years ago, a big menopause study was misinterpreted, prompting a black box warning on hormone replacement therapy. They were wrong. HRT benefits hugely outweigh the risks. Why did this happen? Because the devil hates women and enjoyed watching an entire generation suffer untreated anxiety, rage, brain-fog, hot-flashes, depression, cardiovascular problems and bone loss. Most doctors are not trained in perimenopause care, find one who is.
- Nature soothes. We all know this and yet, like meditation, we still don't do it enough. Walking in the woods, in the sand, by the waves, in the mountains, or at a park soothes your nervous system. Don't even walk for the exercise, just go and listen to the birds. Did you know songbirds won't sing in the presence of danger? Your nervous system has known that for millennia. So if they're singing, you're good. Relax and enjoy it.
- Say thank you. The Bible mentions giving thanks about 150 different times. Every other spiritual tradition commends the practice too. Why? Because humans are wired with a negative bias. It takes zero effort and creativity to catalogue all that's going wrong with the world. But seeking what's right and being thankful for it, wires your brain to be more thankful. It's a virtuous upward spiral that makes you a pleasure to be around.
The pictures are from Pensacola.
And yes, it really does look like that. Isn't it beautiful?
When I think about the sea I'm falling into at midlife, I try to imagine it like Pensacola Beach, and to enjoy it like Wally does. Warm and salty, with little sandbar pools, gentle waves and bright Florida sunshine. That's the sea I'm becoming!
I hope this list helps you. Have a beautiful Easter Week!
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